Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SWEPT the room with a glance...That's my idea of housework!

   Imagine if you had the Facebook Master account for one day

   I am at my most evil and manipulative when I think there is a chance I can get you to buy me a hot air balloon.

   if you give somebody a piece of your mind.....is it a form of self-inflicting cannibalism?

   No one is lazier than the people who name convenience stores.

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   Irony…the opposite of wrinkly.

   when the police were doing the chalk outline of Whitney Houston's body, her spirit rose up & tried to snort it

   Did you hear about the Chinese parents who gave birth to a retarded baby? They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

   waiting for the men in white coats to come.

   "Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself"

   One of the guys who works for me down south called in sick early this morning. He sounded like death! I ask, “How sick are you?” and he said, “I just got done doing my sister, is that sick enough for you?”

   Let's face it folks. Time for a real "CHANGE" Voting for trump is a no brainer. Don't you think he'll have the right people in place as President. Like Earl Pitts says, "WAKE UP AMERICA"

   I think I am going to donate to Haiti and Chili as much as they donated to us when we were struck with Hurricane Katrina…… oh that's right that would be nothing! No one came to help us, and we still haven't finished cleaning up form from our natur

   it weird after having a McRib I'm craving watermelon and Red Kool-Aid!?!

   The two most annoying things on Earth, unibrows and Indian accents.

   So I spent $25.00 for a Tiger Woods DVD titled " My Favorite 18 Holes"....... turns out it was all about golf....

   36 medals for team USA thats 3 dozen reasons we are the best

   I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler..."

   I saw this big guy in brand new Nikes running down the road with a huge TV in his arms. I thought briefly, "That looks like mine." Then I realized, mine wears adidas.