Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??

   Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already

   Here's a story,of a LOVELY lady
 who was bringing up three very LOVELY girls
all of them had hair of gold, like their mother.
the youngest one in curls. RIP CAROL BRADY

   Just for fun I am going to order a Santa Sleigh on Amazon on Christmas Eve and have it delivered by their drone.

   I think I'll build me a snowman and dress him up as a security guard, leave him out front to guard that snow bank.

   Yup.... No matter how old you are .... an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube will always become a Star Wars light saber.