Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   FACT: the 2016 election didn't make anyone any uglier than they were already, it just made their pre-existing ugliness easier to see

   Anybody out there need some extra daylight? I've been saving a bunch of it since last Spring and I have way more than I need. I'm letting it go pretty cheap, so let me know if you're interested.

   Wait, the Goo Goo Dolls and Gin Blossoms aren't the same group??