Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   Ever been so drunk you ate a frozen burrito?

   Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, and the box of chocolate chip cookies preferably within arm's reach.

   If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?

   Cardi B is a former stripper. Prime example of why the expression “Don’t quit your day job” was created.

   Paradox: When you get two pairs of Doc Martin shoes for your birthday.

   n't it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

   Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

   Need a math nerd to solve problem: I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun

   With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don't time.

   Me: *trying to hock a loogie* Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.