Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   F'king love Sundays... Or any other day that's not Mon-Fri.

   Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that a$$hole.

   Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.

   Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

   Netflix and panic attack?

   People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.

   When someone thinks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.

   "What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies

   List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....

   Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.

   Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.

   “I've dissected our earlier conversation and I think I might be mad at you.” - WOMEN

   Women: On a bad day, there is always lipstick.

   Fact: 99% of men watch porn, 1% is lying. 1% of women watch porn, 99% are lying.

   I've decided February is a trial month too, I'll sort out my life in March....

   I always say "Morning" instead of "Good Morning" because if it was a good morning I would still be in my bed and not talking to people.

   If you like having sex while listening to music -- always choose a live album. That way you'll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.

   If Making a Murderer is a documentary, why was the second season confirmed?

   When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or no. Not all this "Who are you, and how did you get in here?" nonsense.