Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to have kids one day but what If I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I can't take that risk.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk

   Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....

   Today is World Middle Finger Day...use it

   Decided to spend my entire day alone in the car. Or as she calls it "shopping "

   I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won't think I'm happy to see them.

   F'king love Sundays... Or any other day that's not Mon-Fri.

   Removed all the mirrors from my house. I was so tired of living with that a$$hole.

   Let me win your love so I can earn your hatred.

   Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better but the frog dies in the process.

   Netflix and panic attack?

   People should never judge Lance Armstrong for being on drugs in the Tour de France races, when other drug addicts have a harder time finding their own bike.

   When someone thinks I'm paying attention to what they're saying, but really I'm just thinking about tacos.

   "What?!?! You mean to tell me spoons don't actually sound like airplanes?" --Babies

   List of things I am good at: 1. Petting dogs.....ya ummmm petting dogs.....

   Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.

   Do you ever just look at your dog & get jealous because all they do is sleep, play, and eat....their biggest worry is when they are eating next.