Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Chinese woman said me, "You have no crass". I didn't know whether she was complimenting or insulting me.

   You lost me at eye contact.

   Suffering from a bad case of SRH. Sperm Retention Headache!!

   Dear kids TV networks: if you want more kids to watch, just show the inside of a pantry or fridge…

   Pulled into the grocery store parking lot, went down one isle and was coming up the other when I saw an open spot one space from the end nearest the door and thought, "what a break"......God I hate Smartcars.

   You mean we can log off? Wait, what? You're kidding.

   Well.... If this snow fall is the weathermans idea of 7 inches- I bet his wife is a very disappointed woman................

   Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   it allowed to go to the dentist drunk? Asking for a friend.

   ~ Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls ≧◔◡◔≦ EEeeeeeee ~

   Half of the times the purpose of my smile is that I want to make some people worried.

   The best exposure, is indecent.

   Making someone happy is a lot of work. Make them question their sanity and move on.

   I suggested we use some knots during sex. My wife agreed. She chose “not tonight.”

   Ladies; You know, if you drink enough wine you don't even notice the spiders.

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   A man’s best friend: Guy who drinks with him. A woman’s best friend: Woman she hates when she leaves the room.