Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

   Bought a new trampoline and took me 2 hrs to set it up. All the wife could say afterwards was "uhm...where's our bed?" That's gratitude for ya!

   it allowed to go to the dentist drunk? Asking for a friend.

   ~ Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls ≧◔◡◔≦ EEeeeeeee ~

   Half of the times the purpose of my smile is that I want to make some people worried.

   The best exposure, is indecent.

   Making someone happy is a lot of work. Make them question their sanity and move on.

   I suggested we use some knots during sex. My wife agreed. She chose “not tonight.”

   Ladies; You know, if you drink enough wine you don't even notice the spiders.

   It's impossible to trust anyone who sleeps with pants on.

   I never said she was a prostitute, all I said was she used her panties as ankle warmers!

   Pretending that your problems are not really there do not make you sane. You have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum also.

   A man’s best friend: Guy who drinks with him. A woman’s best friend: Woman she hates when she leaves the room.

   I want to have kids one day but what If I have a daughter and she becomes obsessed with some boy band? I can't take that risk.

   Why is it that society gives us the impression that all Brazilian chicks are sluts?

   if the weed did make Lance perform better, those baseball players are gonna feel silly for injecting steroids that shrink their junk

   Just imagine how Humpty Dumpty felt when all the kingmens couldnt put him back together....... Thats how I feel about our relationship

   Sometimes I think my mind is out to get me.

   "Can't You Just Let Me Watch The Damn Football Game?" ~~ the Working Title of my new Childrens book, probably....

   Today is World Middle Finger Day...use it