Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Google is defiently female, because it has an answer for everything!

   Men brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they've got a six pack. Women brag about going to the gym to let everyone know they're losing weight

   If everything seems to be going well....... you have obviously overlooked something.

   I will never be mature enough that if you hate me I won't hate you back.

   The only way that I would ever be able to wake up on time in the morning is if I had a butler who set my comforter on fire every morning.

   Cheerleading was invented when some girl got mad because everyone was watching men…

   I'm pretty sure the inked up girl working at Starbucks isn't making the full contribution to her 401k...

   Treat her like your trying to keep her!!

   I Just turn off FaceBook because I am bored... 10 minutes later I turn ON FaceBook because I am bored...

   Axe Body Spray needs a seasonal pumpkin spice scent to drive the ladies crazy.

   I have tons of make up sex. That's where you make up stories about having sex right guys?

   it's the people who make a party awesome, not the drinks,bro

   just thnk this Generation will never know the joy of getting a hand written letter from a loved one..

   If our olympic athletes really eat McDonalds… We're screwed.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.

   I wish I was the hot friend.

   Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?

   Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people in the interim.

   Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you