Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Treat her like your trying to keep her!!

   I Just turn off FaceBook because I am bored... 10 minutes later I turn ON FaceBook because I am bored...

   Axe Body Spray needs a seasonal pumpkin spice scent to drive the ladies crazy.

   I have tons of make up sex. That's where you make up stories about having sex right guys?

   it's the people who make a party awesome, not the drinks,bro

   just thnk this Generation will never know the joy of getting a hand written letter from a loved one..

   If our olympic athletes really eat McDonalds… We're screwed.

   A few hours before your dentist appointment, you'll do the best brushing you've done all year.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology. You should definitely not buy it.

   I wish I was the hot friend.

   Do you really know me or am I just an idea that you've built in your head?

   Long distance relationships are great cuz you get to date other people in the interim.

   Roger that command center, we have arrived at our destination and will commence countdown..............Sir this is McDonalds how may I help you

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.

   Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on

   I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.