Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rather have that one in a million friend rather than a million friends-Josh Frazier-

   Have you ever met a girl who you instantly know you shouldnt be talking too but you still do it anyways. Me either.

   I realize you are trying to protect a very expensive Jacket….But Mothballs STINK!!!! Who's the Genius that thought Storing anything in balls of chemical pesticide would be a good idea?

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia....

   I don't give a crap, But If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to

   God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, and the middle ones for you.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning but now how it applies to me.

   You're more shallow than a kiddie pool.

   whenever I watch an old 60's or 70's movie I wonder how cool it wouldve been to live then, then I realized 90 percent of what I do would take an hour on a rotatory phone and sending 5 letters a day...go 2000's

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.

   My family was too poor to buy hooked on fonics.

   Nothing says “I need a swift steel-toed kick to the crotch!” like people who silently watch and say nothing as someone is bullied... Except maybe parents who give their children weird @ss names.

   prays for the day when all resturants have scatch and sniffs ...to get a good whiff of the meal before you order it lol

   Be my Facebook Friend, NOT a Spy or a Hater.

   Eskimo marriages have increased at least tenfold due to global warming. The main reason is that young couples are finding it easier to break the ice.

   ☑ Facebook. ☑ Twitter. ☑ Tumblr. ☐ Life.

   get to drilling Bruce Willis.