Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”.

   You know, come to think of it, I have never seen Charlie Sheen and Gaddafi in the same room either.... Coincidence?? Just sayin...

   Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.

   woke up to the sound of ANGELIC SINGING! I thought I died and went to heaven! it was just MY MOM had the ROYAL WEDDING ON FULL BLAST IN THE HOUSE!

   For those who will celebrate Cinco de Mayo with "authentic" 36% beef tacos, we pray to the Lord.

   The sucky thing about rapture is that I was totally going to start a workout regime THAT NIGHT. Stupid end of days.

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   I rather have that one in a million friend rather than a million friends-Josh Frazier-

   Have you ever met a girl who you instantly know you shouldnt be talking too but you still do it anyways. Me either.

   I realize you are trying to protect a very expensive Jacket….But Mothballs STINK!!!! Who's the Genius that thought Storing anything in balls of chemical pesticide would be a good idea?

   Alcohol is an Anti-inflammatory & raises good HDL Cholesterol, which helps ward off Dementia....

   I don't give a crap, But If I did give out crap. You'd be the first person I'd give it to

   God protect me from my friends, my enemies I can handle on my own

   My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended."

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 5 fingers, and the middle ones for you.

   I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning but now how it applies to me.

   You're more shallow than a kiddie pool.

   whenever I watch an old 60's or 70's movie I wonder how cool it wouldve been to live then, then I realized 90 percent of what I do would take an hour on a rotatory phone and sending 5 letters a day...go 2000's

   Weekend's coming up. What do you say we surf the real world?

   what started out as a joke, ended up me sleeping on the stairs for 2 hours.