Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Selfie or not here I come

   The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.

   Every Steven Seagal movie is 90 minutes of me looking for the remote to change the damn channel.

   I need an alarm clock with a snooze button that sounds like a pack of snarking wolves.

   Twice in one week auto-correct has ruined possible relationships with big girls. One changed, "I miss you, sweetie"...to sweaty. And the other: "It's been been many moons since I heard your voice" to many moos.

   The barista at Starbucks gave me a free Mocha this morning! Must be a follower...... Facebook fame is finally paying off!

   You make me wanna be a better stalker. No, seriously. Slow the f cuk down.

   Dear coworker who just microwaved hobo feet for lunch,,,, We hate you.. Love Stanley

   Wait a second, you guys have friends in real life?

   The weekend is the reason I work Monday-Friday.

   Why are the people who are always demanding respect the ones who least deserve it?

   I paid $12.50 for movie tickets. Forget that the people are noisy, the popcorn and drinks are overpriced, and the movie itself stinks....I wanna know why there was no cartoon.

   Not to brag, but I'm a functioning Facebook addict.

   All women have at least one pair of jeans in their closet that’s trying to kill them.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   yes I have a dirty mind, and you are in it…

   FIFA has announced that Luis Suarez, the player who bit an opponent, will be banned for nine games, or as Suarez put it, "nine meals."

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   Wimbledon 2014 - My wife is a big tennis fan and was telling me how distracting she find the constant grunting noises during the women's matches. I promised her I will stop.