Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish every relationship I was in had a money back guarantee or at least a 30 day free trial

   it's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

   .....So people wanna live in "Avatar" world...wtf? Have they not seen "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory"?

   Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

   Try this, the next time your friend is drunk, switch his/her mom's number with their girlfriend/boyfriend's...

   because I have a life. because its been proven that facebook is time consuming and useless. I have to log off............. I'll be back in 30 min.

   If you're on the show "16 and Pregnant" you have a pretty good chance of being on the follow-up show "32 and a Grandmother"

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into a bank yelling “It's my Money and I want it now!” Thanks a lot J.G Wentworth

   From what I can tell, a Boomerang is just a Frisbee for people who don't have any friends...

   Why does my phone insist on reminding me my battery is dying, wasting even more of my battery!

   Eating a gas station hot dog counts as a suicide attempt.

   If Mike Brady was supposed to be this groovy architect, why did he force SIX kids into TWO bedrooms?

   Black Friday? That's ones of those Ice Cube movies right?

   Sometimes I read Facebook status updates and I can't understand them. Then I say to hell with it and read some that aren't mine.

   children shopping for cereal are like men shopping for lingerie; they don't care which kind they get as long as they get the prize inside!!

   Just once I'd like to see someone in a movie call bullsh*t when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555.

   A job interview is like a first date. You dress up, pretend to be someone else and spend the time wondering if you're going to get screwed.

   Why are they calling the music I grew up on "Classic Rock"? I'm not that old...am I?

   Being a lot more reckless these days, ever since I found that 1-UP mushroom.

   My whipped ice dairy drink brings the attention of many males to my place of residence and they declare its quality far surpasses yours. Absolutely, it far surpasses yours. I could convey to you the recipe but I would have to demand compensation