Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   its been so long since i'v had sex, I have forgotten who ties up whom

   I love Kit-Kat...unless I'm with four or more people.

   All of us are God's Creatures, Just Some are More Creatures Than Others !!!

   Since practice makes perfect, I must thank my parents for not givin' up on the first try. :)

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   feeling confused as a pelican flying over the Gulf of Mexico .

   don't it look more Spacious in here without the rug?

   [:::] is trick-or-treating for Pop Tarts [:::]

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!

   I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old Shotgun. Peter Jones said " And whats your idea?" I replied "It's a simple Concept Peter just put all the Money in the f**king bag!"

   We need to talk, shuffle.. One Hall & Oates song is a great idea - but two in a row is completely unacceptable.

   I wonder if I tell my kids I'm calling Santa, will work after Christmas too!

   Have you ever tried breathing out of your mouth and nose at the same time? Are you trying it now?

   I like to drink red and blue poweraide so I can feel like I'm drinking health and mana potions

   'Im not questioning your observation skills but am merely remarking on the paradox of asking a masked man who he is...'

   neighborhood walker: Who are you talking to on the cell at 6:30 in the morning?

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.