Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's really awkward that all of the people who post the "how did you meet me" statuses are all people I haven't met.. then again, I don't go outside

   to be a roadie,, get on the roads not on a stupid tv show!!!

   If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

   its been so long since i'v had sex, I have forgotten who ties up whom

   I love Kit-Kat...unless I'm with four or more people.

   All of us are God's Creatures, Just Some are More Creatures Than Others !!!

   Since practice makes perfect, I must thank my parents for not givin' up on the first try. :)

   I'm not saying we ought to misbehave, but we should at least look as though we could.

   feeling confused as a pelican flying over the Gulf of Mexico .

   don't it look more Spacious in here without the rug?

   I honestly don't care if you think I'm crazy. You're just a figment of my imagination anyway. Coffee:

   I wish God wouldn't have hidden all of my talents so well...

   pretty sure that if fortune telling was real every fortune in every fortune cookie would read "You are about to eat a stale cookie, boo-yah!"

   Dance music can be traced back to medieval times when a farmer dropped some heavy beets

   $100 says I don't have a gambling problem.

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   [:::] is trick-or-treating for Pop Tarts [:::]

   it safe to smoke an electronic cigarette on a plane???

   I'm happy for you as long as you're not happier than me.

   Why does the news always tell you about the "fun" massage parlors AFTER they're being shut down for prostitution? Dangit!