Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A terrible waitress asked me for a tip last night.... I said don't make snow angels at dog parks.......

   Marla Maples is in favor or border security. She lost her job to an immigrant too.

   The counter lady at Mcdonalds was American. I said "You are the only one that understands me"

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki

   I just dropped a MOABM .. mother of all bowel movements

   It’s the 47th Earth Day, which is bad news for Earth. Once you get in your forties, your equator expands, your poles start to melt — soon you’ll look as bad as Uranus.

   If you love someone who doesn't love you, means you are waiting for a ship at the airport!

   We were so poor. That one birthday my gift was a pack of batteries with a note, toys not included.

   It's hotter than a spoon at Demi Lovato's house.

   Thinking of getting a portable hand held air horn to help remind people not wearing a mask to keep away from me.

   setting up a trap to capture Santa when he comes down my chimney tomorrow. I figure he will bring a hefty ransom from the world! Mmmmuuahhhaaha...

   i didn't know that your favorite sport is Social Climbing.

   Cheer up, The worst is yet to come!

   wishes I was 12 again. so I could commit crimes without the oppression of the Law.

   i wonder why, I never wondered why the easiest things are so hard

   My resolution -- Is to finally beat my == Haiku addiction.

   Bartending at the Betty Ford Clinic

   heard charges were pressed against James Ray. I bet he's sweating now.

   You've heard of the "Soup Natzi"?.....But have you heard of the "FACEBOOK NATZI"? If you've ever had to delete a comment....you have! No more FACEBOOK FOR YOU!

   learnt a lesson: Hardwork leads to success and 'blame' works just as well