Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   'Pokemon Go brought me here' walks into church....finds Jesus instead......

   Cow-tipping cop: Do you know why I pushed you over?... Cow: *sighs... Yes.

   Spoiler alert: Going to more than one rodeo does not make you any smarter.

   Cheer up, The worst is yet to come!

   wishes I was 12 again. so I could commit crimes without the oppression of the Law.

   i wonder why, I never wondered why the easiest things are so hard

   My resolution -- Is to finally beat my == Haiku addiction.

   Bartending at the Betty Ford Clinic

   heard charges were pressed against James Ray. I bet he's sweating now.

   You've heard of the "Soup Natzi"?.....But have you heard of the "FACEBOOK NATZI"? If you've ever had to delete a comment....you have! No more FACEBOOK FOR YOU!

   learnt a lesson: Hardwork leads to success and 'blame' works just as well

   thinking about taking up golf to cure his sex addiction...if it worked for Tiger...

   re-invented the term "big baller", running nude in a basketball court

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?"

   neighborhood walker: Who are you talking to on the cell at 6:30 in the morning?

   I dont know if my piggy bank is sick or anorexic but its been getting real skinny lately and I dont wanna be charged to animal cruelty so time to make some cash.

   's mind suffered a mild psychotic episode, will be back as soon as the narcotics kick in ;)

   I got fired from my job as a software engineer. I just couldn't get with the program.

   Communication during sex is like scratching someone's elses back, its not a insult to your ability if they say "little to the left and harder!" to get that spot.

   Myspace who?