Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I remember a time when our country put aside its differences and came together as one. To show our contempt for Hollywood awards shows.

   I think the phrase "Cop an Attitude" is totally ironic considering most cops I've ever come across have sh*tty attitudes.

   just wanted to say thank you for having that physically disabled license plate on ur car and letting me know in advance that you have no idea how to drive

   There are two types of people: Those who try to boil water in their toaster, and cowards.

   'm 50 and my girlfriend is 22. When we went out last night everyone at the bar made faces and call me a Pedophile. It Completely ruine our 10TH Anniversary

   I hear boomerangs are making a comeback

   My wife and I was at Home Depot the other night when she informed me she'd like a golden shower... what happened next has me sleeping on the couch for a long time.

   Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.... *If I ever forget my passport, this post doubles as proof of U.S. citizenship.*

   America is shocked & disgusted when Bill Clinton admits he had sexual relations with Hilary.

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow.

   Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.

   Don't cry for me Argentina

   ..... Begining to think that Obama's official Border policy is to draw a Red Line in the sand along the Southern border.

   If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer

   we have a bunch of soccer players in the USA ... we call them field goal kickers & they suck too

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen