Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   America is shocked & disgusted when Bill Clinton admits he had sexual relations with Hilary.

   Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.

   If your significant other wont swallow the milk left over in a bowl of cereal, chances are that's not all they won't swallow.

   Whew, I was worried they hacked the Dolly Madison site and everyone would find out about my chocolate Zingers addiction.

   Don't forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

   Ladies, if you are a seven or higher, every male friend, co-worker, neighbor and casual acquaintance has imagined themselves banging you. Hope you are comfortable with that.

   Don't cry for me Argentina

   ..... Begining to think that Obama's official Border policy is to draw a Red Line in the sand along the Southern border.

   If you think your life is bad, just remember that Stevie Wonder will never ever see Jennifer Lawrence's leaked nudes.

   I tried killing a spider by blowing weed smoke on it, now it's in my kitchen microwaving Pizza Rolls and drinking all my beer

   we have a bunch of soccer players in the USA ... we call them field goal kickers & they suck too

   Suggestion for Mark Zuckerberg: When someone defriends me on Facebook, a picture of my bare butt pops up on their screen

   Scientists admit they don't know what Jellyfish are made of - "They don't even taste like jelly" said one piss soaked science dude.

   There's no telling what will come out a female's mouth when she's mad at you. You just gotta brace yourself and be ready for anything.

   Why wait for Black Friday, when you can shop brown Monday right

   INSTANT HAPPINESS: Just add bacon...or sɇx...or enough money to buy bacon and sɇx.

   Just tried to type "HAPPY NEW YEAR" but my phone went with "HAPPY NEW ZEALAND",,, So yeah,,, wishing everyone that.

   Don't tell me what they said about me, tell me why they're comfortable telling you.

   My only stalker is Sallie Mae

   For lunch I melted some cheese onto a plate & scooped it into my mouth with some unmelted cheese & being a grownup isn't going well so far.