Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever worry that the sensor on the back of an automatic toilet is actually a little video camera?

   Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

   The word of the day is LEGS..... Ladies please spread the word.

   Childhood obesity is not funny. Ok mabey it is a little, Chubby little kids woddling around.

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time

   Just seen a scarecrow trying to have a wank..... Poor fucker was clutching at straws !!

   me and the wife do it doggy style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   While you're out eating and drinking after midnight please remember poor little Gizmo who isn't allowed to.

   money cant by harmony and happiness, but I can buy rum!!

   officially rocks!! In your face paper and scissors......you got nothing on me. Not a damn thing!*narrow eyes* especially you paper!! yeah!*shifty eyes*

   becames friends with the Pillsbury Doughboy just so I could poke him.

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I just saw Inception and I'm pretty sure I dreamt that movie the other night...

   If YOU didn't SEE it w/your own eyes, or HEAR it w/your own ears, then WHY would you INVENT IT w/your SMALL MIND or SHARE it with YOUR BIG MOUTH !

   Paul McCartney is looking more and more like Angela Lansbury every day.

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...

   You don't need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.