Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every Christmas Eve my family tries to break the record of number of people stuffed into one kitchen.

   Wanted: Overnight Meaningful Relationship

   The word of the day is LEGS..... Ladies please spread the word.

   Childhood obesity is not funny. Ok mabey it is a little, Chubby little kids woddling around.

   BREAKING NEWS: U.S. Kills Al-Qaeda's Number 3 for Nine Thousandth Time

   ▒▒broke his sta▒tus but ▒▒▒▒ a little duct tape goes▒▒ a long w▒ay....

   Customs: "Do you have anything to declare?" Me: "I declare a thumb war?" Customs: "Security!" Me: "I mean rum! Lots and lots of rum!"

   I just saw Inception and I'm pretty sure I dreamt that movie the other night...

   If YOU didn't SEE it w/your own eyes, or HEAR it w/your own ears, then WHY would you INVENT IT w/your SMALL MIND or SHARE it with YOUR BIG MOUTH !

   the reason for your wet dream!

   Guess all those years of phone sex have caught up with me I have hearing aids

   Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

   wondering how a MAN can't stop a PRIUS ......BUT....... Tiger woods wife stopped a ESCALADE WITH a 9iron

   While you're out eating and drinking after midnight please remember poor little Gizmo who isn't allowed to.

   money cant by harmony and happiness, but I can buy rum!!

   officially rocks!! In your face paper and scissors......you got nothing on me. Not a damn thing!*narrow eyes* especially you paper!! yeah!*shifty eyes*

   becames friends with the Pillsbury Doughboy just so I could poke him.

   Paul McCartney is looking more and more like Angela Lansbury every day.

   Zombie kids are spoiled rotten.

   Trying to understand some people,,, Is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end...