Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ''See that guy over there carrying my golf bag? That's the one job i've created!!!''----President Obama

   Biden cheated. Get over it. He's a cheater....

   Every man wants to hear those three special words “Swallowed it all”.

   The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.

   Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   the state of Colorado has just converted it's time zone from Mountain time to .....TEBOW TIME!!!

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens. If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   In response to using hay as an option to absorb the oil spill, Joe Biden said today that it was a great idea, and the seahorses and seacows would likely enjoy the delicious hay....

   567.. 568.. 569.. Can't talk until I finish my pushups 570.. 571..

   Unless you come from a ethnicity with a tribal history. Having a tribal tottoo just helps others point out just how stupid that your are. Yes white college boy I'm talking to you.

   A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

   I wasn’t going to vote for B¡den, but now that 0bama has endorsed him, I’m not going to vote for him even harder.

   Trump groped a woman 10 years ago and the mainstream media blows a gasket. Hillary had 10 people killed and the mainstream media ignores it.

   Well I guess if Headboard Harris can listen to rap music before it's recorded then Loco Cortez can be traumatized by a riot before it happens.

   Honk if you love Jesus, text while driving if you want to meet him.

   the next time I get pulled over, and the cop asks .. "do you know why I pulled you over" I'm going to respond with "y did you already ferget?"

   My drug of choice is not a drug at all, it's a plant. . .

   The first rule of relationships: You don't find out why someone was available until it's too late.

   I've heard that Apple had to get rid of their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product name