Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Chinese food to go: $17.95. Gas to go get it $1.50. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.

   I'm a firm believer in the separation of church and Earth.

   This country needed a good weeding out. And Trump is the one who brought the weed whacker.

   Dear chicken, please cook yourself and jump into my mouth. thank you

   Did you hear about the two car pile-up in the Walmart parking lot? 53 Mexicans were killed. The occupants in the other car were uninjured.

   Sarah Palin for President in 2012......The real end of the world.

   Since 1944, we've only raised taxes on the rich twice—in 1992 and 1994. The result? 23 million new jobs

   ''See that guy over there carrying my golf bag? That's the one job i've created!!!''----President Obama

   Biden cheated. Get over it. He's a cheater....

   Every man wants to hear those three special words “Swallowed it all”.

   The TRUE pregnancy test is whether he'll stick around if it's positive.

   Q: What has any single homosexual in the military done that Newt Gingrich, Mitch McConnell and Jon Kyl never have? A: Serve.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.

   the state of Colorado has just converted it's time zone from Mountain time to .....TEBOW TIME!!!

   I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens. If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

   In response to using hay as an option to absorb the oil spill, Joe Biden said today that it was a great idea, and the seahorses and seacows would likely enjoy the delicious hay....

   567.. 568.. 569.. Can't talk until I finish my pushups 570.. 571..

   Unless you come from a ethnicity with a tribal history. Having a tribal tottoo just helps others point out just how stupid that your are. Yes white college boy I'm talking to you.

   A termite walks into a bar and asks where's the bar tender?

   I wasn’t going to vote for B¡den, but now that 0bama has endorsed him, I’m not going to vote for him even harder.