Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   THANK GOD THEY FOUND BALLOON BOY! THOUGHT MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ORDERING TAKE OUT FROM HEAVEN.

   HIV doesn't turn into AIDS if you have a magic johnson.

   We need change from change and we need it fast.

   Florida....Where America goes to die.

   is wondering if a man is standing in the middle of the forrest and there is no women around to hear him, is he still wrong?

   planning to hire a singing fat lady and take her to work, just in case someone says his tasks ain't over yet

   I think Tiger Woods and Toyota should team up for a comeback and run an advertisement with their new motto: I swear we can stop."

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   if you could have anything right now, what would you have? I want to have a healthy heart, to walk, to see, to hear, to have awesome friends and a wonderful family.....OH WAIT! I have that already so pretty much Nothing, man. I'm happy as is.

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   Vape pens are the new Crocs

   Our Smart phones are making us Dumb!!

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   I'm 6 weeks. Now make me a Goddamn sammich.........

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   Can we please get some new ones instead of the constant repeats?

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield, it said parking fine

   Can't believe Monica Lewinsky is already 38, seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees

   If Ben Roethlisberger is actually getting married tomorrow----- I see no reason why Michael Vick cant own a dog!! :P

   It sox to be you.