Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people say they've "tied the knot",they mean they got married. Or tied a knot around their neck. Which is the same thing anyways.

   if you could have anything right now, what would you have? I want to have a healthy heart, to walk, to see, to hear, to have awesome friends and a wonderful family.....OH WAIT! I have that already so pretty much Nothing, man. I'm happy as is.

   I heard Biden went on a trip today.

   Vape pens are the new Crocs

   Our Smart phones are making us Dumb!!

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   I'm 6 weeks. Now make me a Goddamn sammich.........

   Asia-Vu the feeling you've seen that Asian person before

   Can we please get some new ones instead of the constant repeats?

   You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windshield, it said parking fine

   Can't believe Monica Lewinsky is already 38, seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees

   If Ben Roethlisberger is actually getting married tomorrow----- I see no reason why Michael Vick cant own a dog!! :P

   It sox to be you.

   INSTALLING SPRING... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 44% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again. 404 error: Season not found. Season "Spring" cannot be l

   You know you were raised Catholic when you're watching Star Wars and hear "the force be with you" and you respond "and also with you."

   Anyone who thinks unemployment benefits keep people from looking for work isn't living on unemployment benefits.

   happy that the "balloon boy" is safe...for a minute there I thought maybe Michael Jackson ordered carry-out from heaven!

   7-11, mini-mart, and several gas stations will be closed due to a death in the family...

   Condom says to the tampon, "You put me out of a job for 1 week a month!" The tampon replies, "When you don't do your job properly, I lose mine for 9 months!"

   What does a gynecologist and a pizza delivery guy have in common? They can smell it but they can't eat it.