Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't complain about the wound when you voluntarily handed someone the dagger.

   Sorry you're an atheist and have no one to thank its Friday.

   What do ducks smoke? Quack.

   The Vatican removed Bishop Sicola from New York from the final candidate list for the papacy...... Apparently they thought it wouldn't seem proper to address the new pontiff as ''Pope-si-cola.''

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face.

   I got arrested in LA and boy am I beat!

   I'm not crazy. Sheldon's mom had me tested.

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you meet new people every day.

   I got 99 problems but the clap aint one

   Someone at work said something very funny today so I walked over to their desk, gave them a sharp poke in the ribs and said "LIKE".

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   Since the Superbowl likes to promote has-been artists, I take it we'll be seeing Justin Bieber in next year's half time show

   What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

   Guys: boobs are like Wendy's; "You know when it's real,"

   R.I.P My 52" Sony T.V !!! You will be missed!!! We had some great times together!!! This Beers for you !!!