Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fact: Most American Caucasians will claim Cherokee heritage as well. Its just easier picking a group that isn't around anymore.

   The same fat ass who won't get off the couch for days will look like an Olympic speed walker when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.

   Cleaning the house while the kids are home is like shoveling snow while it's still snowing.

   Freudian slip; Where you say one thing, but mean your mother.

   One good thing about Alzheimer's is you meet new people every day.

   I got 99 problems but the clap aint one

   Someone at work said something very funny today so I walked over to their desk, gave them a sharp poke in the ribs and said "LIKE".

   One man's face is another man's lunch.

   Thanks Fox, but I get my political info from the Facebook posts of crazy relatives and people I haven't seen since high school.

   Since the Superbowl likes to promote has-been artists, I take it we'll be seeing Justin Bieber in next year's half time show

   What is a 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period.

   Guys: boobs are like Wendy's; "You know when it's real,"

   R.I.P My 52" Sony T.V !!! You will be missed!!! We had some great times together!!! This Beers for you !!!

   A Dang Owl outside won't shut up... It keeps asking me "WHO"... I've said Mike Jones like 30 times

   First it was AlDS that affected mostly fagz, now Monkeypox is doing the same at 96%. Hello? Degenerates? Got the memo?

   Would someone explain to me why I never see straight women act the same way as gay men? Come on queers, if you want to be a women, act like one, not like a fruitcake.

   262 million people have been killed by governments this century. If you believe your chances of being shot by an American citizen is greater than being killed by a dictator that has disarmed the public...you're sadly mistaken!!!

   still that same great taste just fewer calories

   the reason for global warming

   All right, let's solve this once and for all. It was ME who pushed Humpty Dumpty, I also took Little Bo Peeps sheep for ransom, I was the one who let the dogs out and stole the cookies from the cookie jar. So there!!