Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOT FAT! I'M FESTIVELY PLUMP

   Being a successful Hollywood movie star who is overweight and unattractive is a double-edged sword. Your agent must feel pretty awkward telling you about new parts. They need a guy who is fat ugly and no one wants to date. I said you'd be perfect!

   Who needs soap operas, talk shows, reality tv, newspapers, and books when there is Facebook!

   Don't wait for the one you can live with, be with the one you can't live without.

   I'm not saying she is nasty, but her astrological sign is Biohazard.

   never make someone a priority in your life when you are only any option

   I could never own a Porsche because I refuse to pronounce it like the Douche Bags that own them do.

   I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen

   Can't sleep, maybe I should count my blessings!

   What was the best thing before sliced bread?

   You never really know someone until you break up with them. If they don't go crazy and try to kill you than maybe you should give them a second chance.

   Women who wear $200.00 perfume obviously are known to have no common scents. :)

   Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving, so never miss a good chance to shut up.

   Silly rabbit tried to steal my damn trix.

   convinced that if people really follow their dreams no one would get anything done 'cause people would just be having sex with everyone everywhere.

   Brett Favre just said "I probably won't participate tonight because of stiffness", I bet he's never said that before

   thinks the best nicknames are the ones people don't know they have.

   Damn, just about got in a head on collision with some idiot who doesn't know how to text and drive nearly as well as I do.

   Im a wreck to be forcened with.

   Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it