Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies, stop waiting for a man to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job.

   I never imagined we’d reach a point where we’d wish Donald Trump would just build his wall instead.

   wearing spray on pants.

   Obama just endorsed oxygen. Republicans immeditely starting holding their breath.

   It's my birthday and I'll lie if I want to.

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   To all of the people whom voted for Obama the second time: There's an idiot on your keyboard right between the letter "Y" and "I"

   Most Paralympic competitors get involved in their sport by accident.

   Hey Jessica Biel,,,,,,,,, Please,, Please,, Please,, name your kid Batmo

   If you're an influential person but you do not help anybody, you're ignorant.

   Chevy Chase has been getting that Christmas tree for over 20 years. You'ld think he would finally remember a saw.

   I hate to break it to you, fatty, but shaving and leaving just a line of facial hair along your jaw line is not going to make your double chin disappear, it'll make you look even fatter.

   if at first you don't succeed...skydiving is not for you!!!

   wondering if Jewish doctors get paid for doing circumcisions, or just get to keep the tips.

   M.C. Hammer should be a security guard at an art museum.

   I must be wishing on someone else's star because every time I wish for something, someone else gets it!

   "Pot is bad, buy more alcohol." - Anheuser-Busch Lobbyist

   Mike Wallace dead at 93 - Guess his 60 minutes are up....

   I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. fried chicken is 75% off.

   Freedom of Speech means you the right to say whatever you want whenever you want, but it doesn't exempt you from the consequences of free speech. If you can't handle the consequences of freedom of speech, you probably shouldn't be speaking.