Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Best part of my life is chocolate ice cream

   not an alcoholic, just a drunk that's scared of a hangover?

   I think I just solved our health care crisis. Everybody eat one apple every day.

   Every once in a brownish-purple moon, I worry that I might be colorblind.

   in my lab...playing mad scientist...only 2 ingredients away...from coming up with an antidote to fix stupid...stay tuned

   a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.

   they say you shouldnt mix business with pleasure....so how does the adult industry operate...

   "no one told you life was gonna be this way," but later in the same song... "you're mother warned you there'd be days like these"...well did your mother tell you or not? Can I get some consistency please?

   MoooooooM tell Boredom to leave me the F#ck Alone!!!!!!

   Why do older people scream into their cell phones?

   Where's the dancing Kool-aid Man when you need him????

   The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

   as the great philospher Jagger said...."you can't always get what you want.."

   Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

   doing the Safety Dance and leaving my friends behind.

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   it just me, or is Tim Tebow already the most talked about white Bronco sine OJ and AC?

   If sex is a pain in the a$$ then you re doing it wrong!

   Im not watching the news anymore, too depressing, I rather watch Forensic Files instead.

   her breakfast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didnt want, and water that I slipped birth control into....Who says chivalry is dead!!