Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.

   great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!

   Know what goes great with vodka? Me.

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   Every time you make a typo the errorists win.

   In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos

   Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.

   AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   Wow! U.S. accepted Cuba BEFORE accepting Justin Bieber?There is hope down there. (Canadian observer)

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   Fun Fact: It took 4 trips back in time before Marty McFly was able to resist having sex with his mother.

   For Halloween I’m handing out office supplies that I’ve stolen from work..paper clips..pencils..erasers..pens..toilet paper..hand sanitizer..Kleenex..Cigars.

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?