Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your single but not looking... Oh your one of those chronic masturbators

   First scoop of Mars soil contains 2% water, now all we need is malt, hops, and yeast and life would be all good.....

   Sometimes, life is like a jar of jalapenos.... What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

   Sometimes life is like a profile picture....you have to ''crop'' people out that no longer deserve to be ''in the picture"

   Headline in the paper: "Woman beats off rapist!" Well, that was probably a fair trade anyway.

   Never trust a woman who doesn’t fart. You don’t know what else she might be holding back.

   People who have never had a suicidal thought have probably never touched a wet public bathroom door knob.

   My girlfriend and her sister got highlights in their hair. I blurted out 'frosted flakes' and don't remember a lot of the ambulance ride.

   great news for those that talk $hit....PREPARATION H is now available as a chapstick!!

   Know what goes great with vodka? Me.

   It's almost impossible to find a good cream pie recipe on the internet that doesn't involve getting naked first.

   Every time you make a typo the errorists win.

   In honor on MLK I'm eating Oreos

   Can't wait for the NFL Pro Bowl tonight said no one ever.

   AGENT: OK so this role is abou- NICOLAS CAGE: I'll do it.

   Some idiot just told me to "Take a hike" as if I don't love nature and finding inner strength through solitude

   Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it's not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.

   I guess describing my wife's menopause as "the ole' fallopian tubes finally rusting shut" was not a good idea....at least I have a comfortable couch.

   Wow! U.S. accepted Cuba BEFORE accepting Justin Bieber?There is hope down there. (Canadian observer)

   I keep a glass of water on the nightstand in case I want to get up in the middle of the night and spill something on my phone.