Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your brain is an amzing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from before birth, right up until you post a status message on facebook.

   I don't understand how a dog can eat it's own vomit, lick his own butt, eat all his crap & be fine & then they eat half a candy bar & die.

   Those jeans don't make you look fat, They make you look blind.

   My signature sex move is paying upfront.

   My doctor said, "This is going to sting a little," and then proceeded to say, "I've unfriended you on Facebook."

   Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.

   Heck,,, I can tell which people are really judgmental just by looking at them.

   Just saw a woman post in search of "breastfeeding equipment." Weird. I thought she should already be equipped.

   Haikus confuse me-Often they do not seem to make sense-Pass me the pliers

   everyone's making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

   A friend told me "I think your brain is 80% movie clips." Without knowing what to day I started quoting Dumb and Dumber....AND TOTALY REDEEMED MYSELF!!

   Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   Forgive me Oprah for I have sinned. This is my first confession in twenty years....

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   If you ever get butterflies in your stomach, maybe you shouldn't have swallowed those caterpillars.

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam