Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a woman post in search of "breastfeeding equipment." Weird. I thought she should already be equipped.

   Haikus confuse me-Often they do not seem to make sense-Pass me the pliers

   everyone's making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

   A friend told me "I think your brain is 80% movie clips." Without knowing what to day I started quoting Dumb and Dumber....AND TOTALY REDEEMED MYSELF!!

   Snowed again so I put on clean underwear this morning in case I get in an accident on the way to work

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   Forgive me Oprah for I have sinned. This is my first confession in twenty years....

   Do they have dressing rooms for you to try on a smart car before you buy it?

   The friendzone is the cleavage of relationships

   Why is it when that I ask what the acronym STFU stands for, everyone is so fricken mean??? ツ

   If you ever get butterflies in your stomach, maybe you shouldn't have swallowed those caterpillars.

   *alarm*...*snooze*....*alarm*....*snooze*....*alarm*..*checks time*..."Oh sh*t!"

   If I had known she was going to start wearing clothes,,, I would never have eaten it. ~ Adam

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.

   Paula Broadwell, General Petraeus' biographer, has been hired to write Bill Clinton's biography. Bill can't wait.

   My timeline hates your drama.

   eating prunes!! Like my day wasn't sihtty enough...

   Frankly I think there is more going on in the lab between the scientists and the sheep than actual cloning.

   Maybe our Government should deal with the debt ceiling like Charlie and his Grandfather did in Willy Wonka during the fizzy lifting scene. Expel a lot of gas