Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not now, kids. Daddy's arguing with people on the Internet

   Jogging, or as I like to call it running from my problems.

   Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go anywhere is an invention of lucifer himself.

   That'll do girls obsessed with horses. That'll do.

   I don't know, Man, I'm just saying Spider-Man would seem a little bit more realistic if he hiked one leg up and shot web out of his ass.

   I got 99 problems but a restraining order ain't one because I found a loophole in one of the documents. Good Afternoon Carly.

   Did anyone else get upset when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?

   Multi billion dollar nba can't fix the damm AC in time for the finals.....serious!

   My safe word is "more".

   Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.

   According to my ''Give a sh*t calendar'', tomorrow is free also!

   No matter what happens, you can always count on your family. Unless you go on a killing spree...

   Every relationship should be like a sunday. Soothing, relaxing, totally chilled out.

   Guys - if you wanna see her boobs make her laugh. If the laughter is violent enough... sometimes they pop out.

   I'm black but not "hang out with Justin Bieber to boost his street cred" black.

   FYI: Frosty the Snowman is constantly screwing with the thermostat at parties

   Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber are like Clark Kent and Superman, you never see them both in the same place. . .

   I hate time zones and math

   Some people are just a waste of bandwidth.