Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub

   A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.

   Town so small get mugged buy people you know!

   Every tombstone has three things is common: the day you're born, a dash, and the day you die. And people wrongly put a lot of emphasis on the dates, but it's not the dates that matter most- it's the dash in between. It is that dash that is the measure of

   suffering from insanity...and enjoying every minute of it!

   with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning

   Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.

   Peope say to me "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "hey bro, why no job?"

   "I'm goin' to Didney World to murder someone!!" Ray Lewis

   Boys Cheat On Pretty Girls with Ugly Girls , Cause Ugly Girls Are Willinggg To Do Everything A Pretty Girl Won't !

   ... Hard to believe we are at another anniversary of 9/11 again ..... It's also hard to believe that the same people that funded that attack are also funding 20% of Hillary Clinton's Presidential Campaign!!! .... My how times have changed!!

   I can still use my welfare $ to upgrade to the new iPhone and put gas in my Lexus, right??

   Anyone planning on watching Lucifer tonight? Just to clarify, I'm not talking about the new TV show on Fox, I'm talking about Hillary Clinton at the Democratic Town Hall debate on CNN.

   There never any protests at events for Hillary or Bernie, because no one is listening to them idiots

   Every Villain In Movies: "But before I kill you, I want to tell you this really long story so someone can come and save you"