Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It pisses me off when a woman takes up space with her stroller on the bus. I mean, where am I supposed to put my mountain bike? 
Here's a shout out to all my friends that like shout outs!
Got a talking scale for Christmas. First thing it said was "one at a time, please..."
If I had a daughter I would want the same for her as any parent would want. A sex tape, a reality show and a perfume.
on the flight back home dont let Romney sit by the window....he might really try to open it this time
I like how people hate Rush Limbaugh, but like all his quotes....
Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.
when its someones birthday on fb you go to their page and copy n paste a happy birthday.
My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.
I decided to follow my dreams and it led me to a casino, then to 4 bars, an hour ago I was in a gun shop and now I'm in front of a bank.
Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.
Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want
I found out two things last night. 1. Sometimes bowel movements float. 2. My neighbors have a new hot tub
A woman's heart is just as dumb as a guy's d*ck.
Town so small get mugged buy people you know!
Every tombstone has three things is common: the day you're born, a dash, and the day you die. And people wrongly put a lot of emphasis on the dates, but it's not the dates that matter most- it's the dash in between. It is that dash that is the measure of
suffering from insanity...and enjoying every minute of it!
with all due repect, its hard to believe in god when certain people have yet to be disentigrated by bolts of lightning
Hey Obama … I just took a leak, but I didn't have my phone with me. Thought you'd like to know.
Peope say to me "hey bro why no tattoos?" I say, "hey bro, why no job?" 