Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!

   If I ever host an orgy, first rule: cel phones off - unless you're making a porno with it.

   The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.

   can I put on the Scream mask when I do you from behind

   Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......

   was wondering why, after 68 days, none of those pulled from the mine in Chile had any facial hair. Then I remembered why....... they are only miners

   Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, F*ck Kwanzaa.

   Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!

   walked into a shop this morning when the woman working said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I haven't met anyone with a conditional identity before.

   roses are read violets are blue dont wear a pony tail while training shamu,

   The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, “I don't need a pardon. I need a job.

   Bombs are falling on Syria again, the kids are still in the cages, the $2,000 checks are still AWOL... But hey, at least Mr. Potato Head is now gender neutral!

   My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

   No one is above the law, especially the president.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to put down.

   When I die, I'm hoping that I have left a mark. As long as it's not in my underwear.

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!

   --- I hate farmers, the're always spreading sh*t