Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks he messed up. One of my wife's girlfriends came over to the house crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Playstation.

   Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, F*ck Kwanzaa.

   Just held the door open for an old Asian man. He said “sank you!” He better not be referring to Pearl Harbor…!

   walked into a shop this morning when the woman working said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I haven't met anyone with a conditional identity before.

   roses are read violets are blue dont wear a pony tail while training shamu,

   The turkey that President Obama will pardon this Thanksgiving is from California. The turkey said, “I don't need a pardon. I need a job.

   Bombs are falling on Syria again, the kids are still in the cages, the $2,000 checks are still AWOL... But hey, at least Mr. Potato Head is now gender neutral!

   My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

   No one is above the law, especially the president.

   I'm not a fan of Donald Trump, but I won't denigrate those who are....and for those that are Donald Trump fans, denigrate means to put down.

   When I die, I'm hoping that I have left a mark. As long as it's not in my underwear.

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle!

   --- I hate farmers, the're always spreading sh*t

   okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork

   issuing a warning ,Red Bull will not give you wings

   Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.

   Dear Facebook: If I have 62 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends ... it means I don't like them!!! Take a damn hint.