Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   lindsay Lohan and Charle Sheen have signed for a new sit com called 2 and 1/2 grams

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   so I put my phone in airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Let's just say, worst Transformer ever...

   Good morning. Gas prices are ridiculous and I still hate Taylor Swift. Have a nice day. 

   Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: Um I was going to the store for oreos. Cop: Double stuffed? Me: you know it. Cop: have a nice day..

   People ask me why I don't have tattoos.......Well, do you ever see a Ferrari with bumper stickers?

   Once you go black I won't know if it's in either.

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   we call it MAY 5TH on this side of the border

   just realized you can re-arrange the letters in Federal Stimulus to spell "Failed Result Sum."

   If Prince William is 100% royal, and Kate Middleton is 0% royal... is their son the Half-Blood Prince?

   Ask Romney to name the ramen flavors since he knows the struggle.

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

   Stop fat and ugly women from climbing on bar tops. Prevent counter terrorism.

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: HOTEL. Usage: I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.