Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey ugly girls, stop wearing sexy perfume, you're confusing my d!ck.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   we call it MAY 5TH on this side of the border

   just realized you can re-arrange the letters in Federal Stimulus to spell "Failed Result Sum."

   If Prince William is 100% royal, and Kate Middleton is 0% royal... is their son the Half-Blood Prince?

   Ask Romney to name the ramen flavors since he knows the struggle.

   Thank God for my mother being so horny 31 years ago or I could have just died a slow death in a sock.

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - George Carlin

   Stop fat and ugly women from climbing on bar tops. Prevent counter terrorism.

   take me drunk, I'm home!

   Do you want to speak to the woman in charge or to the man who knows what's going on?

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   Ghetto Word Of The Day: HOTEL. Usage: I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.

   What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!

   If I ever host an orgy, first rule: cel phones off - unless you're making a porno with it.

   The worst part about makeup sex is trying to get the mascara off of my balls.

   can I put on the Scream mask when I do you from behind

   Parents say alcohol is your enemy, God says love your enemy.......

   was wondering why, after 68 days, none of those pulled from the mine in Chile had any facial hair. Then I remembered why....... they are only miners

   Did you see the new scratch off Lotto tickets at the Quikee mart? The jackpot is a Nobel peace prize!