Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Theres a party tonight. Climb my leg and you can have a ball..

   Holy Crap!!!....That was just CRAZY!!!.....Oh well.....Hey folks.new cooking tip 101;-When making beer can chicken.....make sure chicken is dead before inserting can of beer!!..Let me repeat:MAKE SURE CHICKEN IS DEAD BEFORE INSERTING CAN OF BEER!!!!!....

   American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert has revealed to Rolling Stone magazine that he's gay. In other news, Barack Obama is black, Paris Hilton is kind of slutty, and Clay Aiken is also gay.

   The fact that I have a Southern accent, doesn't make me stupid.

   Admit it, at least once in our life we have all tried to balance the light switch between the on and off position.

   I consider any gun that is pointed at me and fired with the intent to harm me to be an assault weapon.

   That awkward moment where you are waiting for the light to turn green at a stop sign.

   If you don't bother to raise for our national anthem, you don't deserve our freedom. Simple

   Obama is skinny because as a kid he always gave up his lunch money to bullies like he did as president to Iran and North Korea.

   A cat ran into the freeway and caused a pile up... Some how this was Obama's Fault - Fox News

   I think we need to send our prayers out to the real victim of Amy Winehouse death..... her dealer , that dude just lost a lot of business

   Everyone needs to just calm down, I have it on good authority that the Anthony case has been re-opened! There was a witness and he just so happens to be the presiding judge. Trial is set to begin the moment she takes her last breath.

   When offering an apology, if you include buts... and excuses it kind of negates the apology... What do you think?

   lindsay Lohan and Charle Sheen have signed for a new sit com called 2 and 1/2 grams

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   so I put my phone in airplane mode and threw it up in the air. Let's just say, worst Transformer ever...

   Good morning. Gas prices are ridiculous and I still hate Taylor Swift. Have a nice day. 

   Cop: Why were you speeding? Me: Um I was going to the store for oreos. Cop: Double stuffed? Me: you know it. Cop: have a nice day..

   People ask me why I don't have tattoos.......Well, do you ever see a Ferrari with bumper stickers?

   Once you go black I won't know if it's in either.