Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook is telling me to "reconnect" with my brother...hmmm, I see him everyday.

   When I'm lying on my deathbed, my one big regret will be that I'm lying on my deathbed.

   Sometimes I wonder if my cat ever thinks about finding her biological siblings.

   I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

   I need an Instagram filter that makes me look smart as well as cute.

   My superpower is to scrutinize my husband's driving decisions until he questions his will to live.

   .... The Universe is made up of Protons Neutrons Electrons and Morons.

   Probably the worst thing to hear when wearing that new bikini is, "Good for you".

   Working on my 32 point plan to be more spontaneous. Any suggestions?

   I can barely commit to peeling an entire orange, how am I supposed to commit to my future?

   ... I think it's sad that my retirement plan consists of buying a lottery ticked every week. But when I DO win ... I am totally retiring!

   In heaven, if you get angel hair for dinner the manager comps your meal and apologizes repeatedly.

   Here's hopeing Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

   "Canadians are so polite" - people who have obviously never driven in Canada.

   When my girlfriend and I broke up, she got the bed and I got the coffee machine. So now I don't have a bed and I'm more aware of it now.

   Every time your boss says something you should always nod a lot and say, "OMG, yes, yes, let's do that!"

   Everything I can't have is overrated... including you.

   Well I thought about texting you first and it’s the thought that counts

   I am a collection of unfinished songs Michael Jackson left behind.

   I'm sorry, I thought we were at the swimsuit competition part of this job interview. Please hand me my towel.