Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If time is money.... Facebook owes me like...27 billion dollars...

   Your car took up two spaces,, So I tried to move it over with my key.

   My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.

   You're unemployed and not looking for work; put down the energy drink.

   The nice thing about being a pessimist is that in the end you are either pleasantly surprised or you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right all along.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Nothing honors our Vetrans more than buying a mattress on sale.

   Observation: Any story that ends with "Anyway, it was really funny" is not really funny.

   A ducks opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have any bread.

   Dear DNA experts, please come up with a small insect that is genetically designed to annoy flies. Maybe even a small insect that bites mosquitoes. Thanks

   always feels so weird after having hot dreams about my friends. I find it hard to look them in the eye for the few days after.

   If you're OCD and you know it, wash your hands.

   I signed into Facebook so I could find out where all my friends will be this weekend. I now have a list of places to avoid. Strategery, folks.

   There are certain truths in life: Lasagna just tastes better the next day as a leftover!

   Besides the fact that random people are bursting into flames walking down the street, It's beautiful outside!

   I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.

   I never understood why guys always have their hands down their pants. Then last night I found myself watching TV with my hand in my bra. It finally occurred to me...when you've got something great, you want to hold onto it.

   I don't know why people say something is better if you work for it. Personally, I love being handed awesome sh*t through no effort of my own.

   You're about as uselss as the first slice of bread.

   Facebook was down for a couple of hours today. Yep. Nine months from now, there's going to be a lot of babies born.