Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you prefer nut clusters to marshmallows in your cereal.

   A penny saved is a girlfriend lost.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   thinking jelously gets you no where, so hurry up and get over it.

   Life is like a confused teacher... First she gives the test then she teaches the lesson

   "Few men have d natural strength to honour a friend's success without envy."

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

   - Advice !! Something we seek as long as it`s an answer we wanted in the first place.... Like you want me to reaffirm your choice !!

   i'm tired...will you carry me to bed?

   's misery likes tequila, not company.

   wondering what they are saying behind my back

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   The worst part about being newly single is definitely finding a place to hide the body.

   Interesting idea, Ice Cube should change his name to Soft Drink.