Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if you beat the odds , they all knew you could do it.

   I know you lifes not that interesting you only took those pictures to post on facebook.

   I have spend years pefecting the art of walking around my house in the dark. Now what I wanna know, is who the hell put that f*cking stool in the middle of the damn living room?!

   I think I'm missing a point :| ----->>> ... .....

   BREAKING NEWS! Private IMs of Top BP Engineer released! BP-1: Nothing is working. Any more ideas? BP-2: What if we build a large wooden badger?

   wonders why when you are eating Starburst and ask someone if they would like one, they always want a "red" one?

   wondering if fix a flat will bring my blow up doll back to life?

   You know you're getting old when you prefer nut clusters to marshmallows in your cereal.

   A penny saved is a girlfriend lost.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   thinking jelously gets you no where, so hurry up and get over it.

   Life is like a confused teacher... First she gives the test then she teaches the lesson

   "Few men have d natural strength to honour a friend's success without envy."

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.