Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.

   "I like your hair." "thanks, I grew it myself."

   When someone calls me a C**t... I know I've done something right

   When first talking to your kids about Santa, don't say he's God's drunk brother in law. Trust me...

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   Your mama's glasses are so thick that when she looks at a map she can see people waving.

   You can play mario for the pc, or playstation but it wont be the same if you dont have a NES controller in your hand

   The most best things in life can't be seen or touched....at least that's what the restraining order says.

   it is impossible for any man to walk past a punching bag and not hit it at least twice

   Don't forget to put the word "organic" in your tweets, so you can charge more for them.

   I will no longer respect Marine Biologists, if they don't name the new shark species, "Gary Busey"

   Around here we commonly refer to our intellectual property as 'our sh!t'.

   The best girlfriend to have is sleep because you'd get some every night.

   Don't hang onto what you can live with; grab a hold of what you can't live without!!!

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   Weird to think we're just sixteen years away from Snooki being a grandmother.

   I started a support group for introverts but nobody came.

   I can tell when someone is lying just by the simple fact that they begin asking a question by saying "Quick question".

   Please touch this. ~MC Hammer, 2012