Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman says: "Be honest with me"... Man hears: "Lie convincingly, or you'll be stuck talking about this for the next hour and a half; then every other week for the next six months; then, whenever she's mad/happy/bored and feels like bringing it up again.."

   Girlfriend: Baby, I'm Pregnant. What do you want it to be? . . . . . . Boyfriend: A joke.

   I'm lucky. I have no problem getting my husband to wear his wedding ring. He says it's a chick magnet.

   I wonder if Foosball tables look like shish kabob buffets to a cannibal.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I was one of those kids that took more than one candy bar while trick or treating from the houses that had those naive "Please just take one" baskets

   ohhh ohh wait wait.lemme guess you're dressed up as a.......PROSTITUE??? :D

   In the world of MTV, when a girl is in her sixteenth year she either gets an extravagant birthday party or a baby. Most sixteen-year-olds I know would settle for a new iPod.

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   Kids in math problems have way too much time on their hands. Like seriously Avi? You're going to calculate the angle at which you need to ride your bike to get to Market Street? Get a girlfriend or something.

   According to scientists, due to global warming is posing a huge threat to the arabica coffee bean. You know what that means. We're one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand

   An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.

   Now what shoe size does your face take?!!

   I had 3 mouthfuls of aerosol whip cream & 2 diet Pepsi's for supper if anyone's looking for an executive chef.

   I once dated a girl who lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Tragically, she was killed by a train

   There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know

   If my dog could open beer bottles I'd probably dump my girlfriend

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   "I have four dates for Valentine's day!" "Oh really? Who?!" "My computer, my bed, food, and my dog.."

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.