Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to scientists, due to global warming is posing a huge threat to the arabica coffee bean. You know what that means. We're one worldwide coffee shortage away from an actual zombie apocalypse.

   A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand

   An Adam Sandler movie marathon is more difficult than a real marathon.

   Now what shoe size does your face take?!!

   I had 3 mouthfuls of aerosol whip cream & 2 diet Pepsi's for supper if anyone's looking for an executive chef.

   I once dated a girl who lived on the wrong side of the tracks. Tragically, she was killed by a train

   There are two rules for success... 1. Never reveal everything you know

   If my dog could open beer bottles I'd probably dump my girlfriend

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   "I have four dates for Valentine's day!" "Oh really? Who?!" "My computer, my bed, food, and my dog.."

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.

   INTERNET: Can't get your homework done with it, can't get your homework done without it.

   Why do the people with the worst breath want to hit you with every "H" word in the dictionary?

   I've never had a problem with drugs. But I've had problems with the police because of drugs.

   Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.

   Happy Thanks Giving! Today I will stuff myself and eat all that I can, tomorrow I will eat the rest of the left overs and then I am going to quit cold turkey.

   Day 24: I am thankful that after today there will be no more I am thankful posts.

   Tiger Woods best finish in the last 2 years was a 69...go figure!

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   Mariah Carey grew to hate Christmas. After she recorded all I want for Christmas is you, she only gets a house full of relatives now.