Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In Florida where you literally get a grave built-in to your house...

   I dont see the point of sex if the neighbours don't hear it.

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   my ex downgraded and I upgraded.love it

   The award for the best conspiracy goes to........The Boston Marathon Bombing

   If I catch my Daughter making a Twerk video with her Leapfrog video camera, imma Beat my DNA out of her!

   I just burned 600 Calories working out to these Insanity Commercials.. I don't even need to buy the DVD's.

   I should be a garbage collector because I’m apparently really good at picking up trash.

   Kentucky Derby: Look...if I wanna get all worked up about two pseudo-exciting minutes...I'll go have sex.

   my life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance & its just me laughing at my own jokes.

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   I just had to explain hobbits to another human being; I am outraged.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Twitter, that's cheating. You have to start from Myspace ---> Facebook ---> Twitter. Just like everybody else.

   My back is not a voicemail, say it to my face.

   I just had a big lunch at Taco Bell... Now I'm off to the woods to prove a point.......... :Yogi Bear

   People who complain on Yelp, It was one meal out of your entire life. Calm down.

   I sneezed and nobody blessed me... What happens now?! I'm scared.

   I still think The Hunger Games would be better with the characters from Glee fighting to the death.

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   Always change the channel before turning off the TV because expkauning the Playboy Channel and why two girls are kissing is hard at 7am