Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   jealousy is an ugly color on you... and while I am at it, so are tangerine, teal and turquoise.

   Oscar Pistorius brings a whole new meaning to taking your missus out on Valentine’s Day.

   I finally overcame my fear of skinny dipping...... On a side note; Police report that there has been no progress made in an attempt to identify the "naked man" seen streaking out of the mall's wishing fountain.

   What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison.

   I need a matchmaking service for socks...

   Girls with big boobs never have to worry about having spinach stuck in their teeth.

   The biggest problem I have with women is that they are not Megan Fox.

   In Florida where you literally get a grave built-in to your house...

   I dont see the point of sex if the neighbours don't hear it.

   Baby we complete each other. I'm the typo and you're my autocorrect.

   my ex downgraded and I upgraded.love it

   The award for the best conspiracy goes to........The Boston Marathon Bombing

   If I catch my Daughter making a Twerk video with her Leapfrog video camera, imma Beat my DNA out of her!

   I just burned 600 Calories working out to these Insanity Commercials.. I don't even need to buy the DVD's.

   I should be a garbage collector because I’m apparently really good at picking up trash.

   Kentucky Derby: Look...if I wanna get all worked up about two pseudo-exciting minutes...I'll go have sex.

   my life is like a romantic comedy except there's no romance & its just me laughing at my own jokes.

   "Please scream as loud as you possibly can," says the dentist to his patient. "Why should I do that?" "The waiting room's full and the football game's on in ten minutes."

   I just had to explain hobbits to another human being; I am outraged.

   If you're 13 & under & have a Twitter, that's cheating. You have to start from Myspace ---> Facebook ---> Twitter. Just like everybody else.