Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kraft is recalling 7 million boxes of mac and cheese after several people reported finding minuscule amounts of nutrients inside.

   I'm so old I remember when people didn't publicly express every feeling they had every moment they had it.

   There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

   If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I'd be like omg I have a boyfriend :)

   Girls with tattoos on your boobs, Why? We’re already looking at them.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not. They're all checking their phones.

   The #Powerball is now at $1.4 BILLION.... That means you can finally stop putting off that billion dollar purchase you were thinking about.

   If I were to illegally download a film in Jamaica, would I be a Pirate of the Caribbean?

   Death defying. Pffftt. This is my 21,205th consecutive day of defying death.

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science. Unless they're going to the moon, then it IS rocket science!

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk...

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too

   I would like to thank all the people who let me know it was snowing today, like I'm some clueless idiot.

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore