Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Death defying. Pffftt. This is my 21,205th consecutive day of defying death.

   A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I'm wrong.

   THEY'RE going THERE with THEIR friends…it's not rocket science. Unless they're going to the moon, then it IS rocket science!

   It's hard to be intimidating when your boots keep making fart sounds when you walk...

   "If you've been hurt in a car wreck you need someone who will fight to get you the money you deserve. I will pee on your bed." - cat lawyer

   I wonder if Sarah Jessica Parker auditioned for the lead role in "War Horse"?

   I don't get why any woman stays single. You would think they would get married so they can let themselves go.

   FYI: Push-up bras don't actually help you do more push-ups :(

   I still have a hard time believing that Land Down Under by Men At Work isn't Australia's national anthem.

   So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too

   I would like to thank all the people who let me know it was snowing today, like I'm some clueless idiot.

   Quick question: Is it okay if I actually like people I sometimes disagree with? Just wanted to check since I don't see it very often anymore

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpie's!

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   Ctrl+V...Ruining every sense of originality since its invention.

   going insane in sane places.

   thinks that there's gotta be a Heaven, cause I've already done my time in Hell.

   just started my new job as an Historian this morning. I've got a big day behind me.

   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.