Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looking for this guy named Lent...everybody keeps giving him things that I'm gonna need for my Charlie Sheen Holloween costume...

   Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.

   Wonder how long i'll have to stay in Bed before the Bed Bugs eat away at all my fat, saves me going on a diet

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   Choose what you love and then learn to live with your choice.

   says just because you put high octane in your metro geo doesn't mean you belong in the fast lane.

   The sickening feeling of disappointment you get when a girl you have a crush on calls you "brother"

   just heard the weather news, a chance of rain and dead satellite falling in the US.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help to teach us that relationships are complete bullsh!t!

   I told my wife she looked good in that dress that she would either attract attention from a man or a hungry infant.

   The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

   I told a chemistry joke a few days back. It didn't get a reaction.

   If you could dribble your opponent or pass the one blocking your way, without grabbing him, then tell me soccer needs no skill; you don't like it every time you suck and are eliminated.

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   The worst sanction on Vladimer Putin from USA: if we send Justin Bieber to Russia!

   The whole "I got called out to post 5 beautiful selfies" thing is just yet another excuse/ploy for yet more attention for those women that constanly need it and need reassurance.

   Getting paid to rate porn. Well, that's the excuse I will give if I am caught watching it. . .