Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just choked on someone's fart cloud in the computer lab. The Rapture can't come soon enough.

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   If you ever reach a point in life when you are 'too old' or 'too mature' to enjoy Hey Arnold, you're dead inside

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   That rather uneasy moment when someone compliments you and you can't find anything to compliment them on.

   Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct; what they like to be is a man's last romance.

   you notice how every new movie that comes out is labeled as "the #1 movie in america" they should stop with that, cause its getting old!

   If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.

   looking for this guy named Lent...everybody keeps giving him things that I'm gonna need for my Charlie Sheen Holloween costume...

   Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast

   You decided to show your true colours.....guess I didn't like the painting.

   Wonder how long i'll have to stay in Bed before the Bed Bugs eat away at all my fat, saves me going on a diet

   Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end the faster it goes.

   Choose what you love and then learn to live with your choice.

   says just because you put high octane in your metro geo doesn't mean you belong in the fast lane.

   The sickening feeling of disappointment you get when a girl you have a crush on calls you "brother"

   just heard the weather news, a chance of rain and dead satellite falling in the US.

   Tomorrow is of course the start of what most rock stations call Rocktober.

   We may love the wrong person, cry for the wrong reason. But one thing is sure, mistakes help to teach us that relationships are complete bullsh!t!

   I told my wife she looked good in that dress that she would either attract attention from a man or a hungry infant.