Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan's body and is ruining Lindsay's reputation and Lindsay is just eating Activia and pooping?

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.

   Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for the womb and board.

   Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals. We'd be planting so many trees we'd probably save the planet. Too bad they only give off oxygen we need to breathe.

   Don't worry Bernie supporters, there's a good chance Bernie will run as Retirement Home President sometime in the near future.

   Bruce Jenner can transition into whatever he/she wants to. All I ask is that his stepdaughters are transitioned into the bird $hi+ on my windshield, because I just got a fresh gallon of washer fluid.

   They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.

   Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.

   BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos

   WHAT DO WE NOT WANT? -no scrubs! WHERE DO WE NOT WANT THEM? -hangin out the passenger side of his best friends ride

   Every time one of my kids complains that the internet is slow, I feel like I'm not adequately preparing them for the real world...

   I just gave my "friends list" a good douching. It's been a while, and it was getting a little funky with all of those people in there.

   No, I don't have a bathrobe. I'm not some billionaire.

   (Around campfire with flashlight on face).... "Then they realized,, Adele was calling from inside the house!!"

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his cell phone, is it called an "elfie"?

   How many white girls does it take to change a light bulb? I have no clue, but I guarantee they'll post a picture of it on Instagram.

   I am so deep in the friendzone I have been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.