Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...

   Just anounced if you own a MAC you can now access the Obamacare website

   In hell, women are even more right.

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.

   Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.

   Finally shaved my legs...donated it to Locks of Love

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   Colorado has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned." Wow! I've been reading it wrong all this time.

   I met my ex-girlfriend’s son today and told him about how I once auditioned to be his father.

   a guy on Maury found out he was not the father and said "it dont take blood to be a daddy" but actually it does. all dads have to have blood

   What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan's body and is ruining Lindsay's reputation and Lindsay is just eating Activia and pooping?

   My dog was sleeping so I put his paw in warm water. He peed all over the floor. I laughed but he's not embarrassed and I have to clean it up

   Fun prank for Californians: Adjust your wiper wash to spray the car behind you, making them believe it's raining.

   Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for the womb and board.

   Imagine if trees gave off WiFi signals. We'd be planting so many trees we'd probably save the planet. Too bad they only give off oxygen we need to breathe.

   Don't worry Bernie supporters, there's a good chance Bernie will run as Retirement Home President sometime in the near future.

   Bruce Jenner can transition into whatever he/she wants to. All I ask is that his stepdaughters are transitioned into the bird $hi+ on my windshield, because I just got a fresh gallon of washer fluid.

   They call it a "shower" because "aquatic masturbatorium" is too long.

   Somewhere out there there's a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen so you could breathe. I think some f you owe it an apology.