Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   believes a day spent wasted is never a wasted day!

   out making some changes in his life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

   I was suppose to let you all know the Procrastinators Club will meet last Thursday......

   HEY EVERYBODY ON FACEBOOK!! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION!!....i'm so humble..ok..that is all...

   sending a text message and sitting the phone between their legs on vibrate..

   Apple just introduced the IdoucheBag, to carry your Ipod, Ipad, and Ipone.

   If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight..

   Since I'm now single, if I broke my hand could I put "it's complicated" as my relationship status?

   Just invented the funnest work game ever: while on the phone with a man call him ma'am. Listening to them deepen their voices is hilarious!

   if I wanted patience I would have been a doctor!

   browsing dating sites for women that are "currently separated" because they will be getting lots of money upcoming divorces and are potential sugar mamas!

   wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably the same reason UFO'd are never spotted in the city.

   NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   I'm a BLM fan: Bacon, Lettuce, & 'Mater samich.

   If a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

   You say "potato," I say "I'll pay off your student loans if you let me install a camera above your shower."

   I always wonder why atheists don't spend as much questioning satan's existence.

   everytime someone likes my status an angel gets thier wings