Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I wanted patience I would have been a doctor!

   browsing dating sites for women that are "currently separated" because they will be getting lots of money upcoming divorces and are potential sugar mamas!

   wonders why people only see ghosts at night? Probably the same reason UFO'd are never spotted in the city.

   NEEDING HELP, and I'll return the favor. Please send me 3 sets of fishnet stockings, 1 set of furry handcuffs (with key),4 bullets for my 9mm, 1 velvet blindfold, 4 soft cords, and 2 spinners for my Caddie in Hooker Town. Thanks

   Love is blind. Hate is deaf. You'd think Stupid would be mute but I keep on talking.

   I'm a BLM fan: Bacon, Lettuce, & 'Mater samich.

   If a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

   You say "potato," I say "I'll pay off your student loans if you let me install a camera above your shower."

   I always wonder why atheists don't spend as much questioning satan's existence.

   everytime someone likes my status an angel gets thier wings

   If you're happy and you know it, slap her ass.

   O.J Simpson has vowed to never stop searching for Malaysian Flight 370.

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...

   Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart.... * Sorry it's so hard to read, I should really find a pen

   911: What is your emergency?... ME: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?... 911: Is this her 1st child?.. ME: No,, This is her husband.

   Do all Kmart's have a guy that chokes you while you're pooping? Or was that just a random dude?

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   I think each Olympic event should include a competitor randomly picked out of the spectator stands to keep things interesting.

   the wife asked what the white stuff on my peni$, told her it was asprin for her headache and asked if she wanted it orally or suppository..

   I just got diagnosed with a very rare disease. "The more I get older, the sexier and better looking I become". Don't worry, it's not contagious. There's no cure for it and it just gets worst everyday...