Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your car. We already know.

   going back to the future

   Chris Matthews wants to know if getting your head removed from Obama's a ss is covered under Obamacare

   If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.

   I don't always eat my boogers... but when I do, it's because I'm on coke

   Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.

   Why are there no mirrors in the self checkout?.....Slow people, take your time to get that jokke....

   Let's flip a coin. Heads I get tail. Tails I get head.

   Why don't you go live in one of those other nations jackass you wouldn't last 10 minutes

   BLACK FRIDAY, when people trample others for cheap goods mere hours after being thankful for what they already have

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.

   Obama 'I don't believe military intervention in Syria is the right move for America at this moment'.. In other News..No oil found in Syria

   No matter what you call Budweiser, it's still crappy beer....

   "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country."-----JFK

   thinking..Tiger driving and hitting trees is nothing new, but I will bet he hasn't hit one off a fire hydrant before.

   not practicing Catholic so she's not giving anything up for Lent, but for those of you giving up alcohol, she's set up a collection bin outside her door>

   watched the Olympic snowboard competition last night. Woke up with a sore back.

   was driving down the highway today and tried to identify what kind of car was coming up behind me. Then it hit me! Duh... a Toyota.