Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would watch NASCAR if the drivers had had as much to drink as the fans.

   I can't believe I'm having to even post this. But to the fine up standing citizen who is concerned about some of my post. I DID NOT REALLY SLAP A HO' AT THE HOLIDAY IN EXPRESS LAST NIGHT. It was at the Red Roof Inn.

   Shark Week. I'd rather watch Loan Shark Week. That would be interesting to watch, and probably just as badass.

   Cremation, the last thing to light your fire.....

   - Seen a tv program about sharks . Sharks have been around for 400 million years , unless you believe the bible which says the earth is only 6000 years old !! ........ I believe the sharks !!

   fell on the ice today. When I got up my keys, cell phone and wallet were gone. Must have been black ice...

   Did you know that when someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm out and smack 'em in the head?

   Bought myself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'. Five hours I spent in casualty

   Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night and told the locals that one but the locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 18 and I'm 27. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

   A dog will love you more then your wife... Don't believe me? Lock both in the trunk of your car for an hour then see which one will be happy to see you.

   election day? I'll vote for anyone that will make it legal to beat my kids

   Khloe, Kourtney, Kim Kardashian!..... The only KKK that will let black guys in

   President OBama hires pinocchio as new Press Secretary.

   If you wear a mask when you're driving alone, there's no need for you to put a Biden sticker on your car. We already know.

   going back to the future

   Chris Matthews wants to know if getting your head removed from Obama's a ss is covered under Obamacare

   If you learn how to talk women into anal sex, you don't need to learn how to install a baby seat in a minivan.

   I don't always eat my boogers... but when I do, it's because I'm on coke

   Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.

   Why are there no mirrors in the self checkout?.....Slow people, take your time to get that jokke....