Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.

   @ TSA: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. Grope discounts available.

   I'm still on the fence about who to vote for in November ... One candidate is a Successful Business man Married to an Immigrant and the other is a Failed Lawyer Former Secretary of State married to a Philandering Disbarred Lawyer Impeached Ex President.

   Joss Weadon is calling for the @ssassination of President Elect Trump ... Hope he realized he just commited a felony offense which is a Class E felony under United States Code Title 18, Section 871.

   The only way you tards are gonna push Hillary through now is with a time machine.

   Roethlisberger is still out?.... Man, mace must last longer than I thought...

   If drinking tequila straight from the bottle is wrong, then I'm the wrongest person at this church service.

   I am The King of Sting & The Master of Disaster !

   10-11-12... Sooo Exciting... Not!!. I think we all know, the BIG day we're all really waiting for is in seventy days and counting... Be afraid. Be very afraid! Brohahaha!!.

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   How about that shocking Game of Thrones ending last night?

   In 2 seconds you'll be singing "I'm a Barbie Girl" in your head.

   Thanks to A-Rod, the Anthony Weiner scandal has kinda petered out.

   Why a Beer is better than a woman! 1.A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another! 2. Pour your beer right and you always get good head! 3. You always know when youre the first to pop a beer! 4.You can have several beers in a night and not feel guilty

   OK..... Not making an Olympic Soccer joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a life saber to open it...

   I feel bad that God made you so stupid, but no, I'm not doing extra work to keep you from looking bad.

   After I do something I compliment myself in my mind using the voices of people I know.

   Ladies; Go bra less, it takes the wrinkles out of your face!

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."