Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitch hiker holding a sign that said 'heaven,' so I hit him he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

   we live in a day and age in which we abbreviate everything we say...So I wish you a day of Success, Happiness, Intelligence and Togetherness with your loved ones. Hence I wish you a SHìT day!

   Be polite, bow. And while you're down there...

   Even this straight jacket can't stop me from updating my status.

   Goodnight.......I have to get up early to siphon gas from my Mexican neighbors lawnmower just to get to work tomorrow.

   The "Lift" scene in Dirty Dancing, but me and my first beer after work.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the nearest bartender to get a beer.

   F**k me if I'm wrong, but do you want to kiss me?

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   Really offended these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don’t treat every burrito with the utmost respect.

   wonders why we can't just all get a Long....Island Iced Tea?!?

   Finally I'm not being harassed by my family or coworkers for listening to Christmas Music. It was rough back in July.

   Our first child came at the end of the month so we named him Bill.

   The only people I trust are the ones that like big butts; they can not lie

   First they came for the communists and I didn't speak out. Since then everything's been pretty good, plus no communists!

   I found the G spot. It's at the end of "shopping."

   Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.

   Ugh....Human Beings. I wish my leaders gave me fair warning about this place before they dropped me off here.

   in a personal vacation inside my head

   I won't stand for gossip. I prefer to sit down and make myself comfortable.