Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary broke her wrist when she slipped in a bathtub. The bathtub was later found dead with two gunshots in the back of the head. The death has been ruled a suicide.

   Why can't Mexican learn to speak our English language? I've learned to eat their food!

   If someone calls you fat, Don't get angry, just turn the other chin.

   If I ever find myself homeless, I would just go and live in an Ikea.

   Best invention ever; a mirror that takes pictures

   Has anyone told you how fuckalicious you look today?

   My wife's great-great-grandmother on her mother's side was The Kracken

   Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.

   People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't - Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.

   Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have!

   If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$

   What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?

   my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree

   I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.

   I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.

   If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.

   Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows

   Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.

   Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??