Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody know how to disable the autocorrect feature on my wife?

   Old white guys complained about the SB halftime show because we grew up in a time when originality, actually playing an instrument and not having auto tuned vocals counted as talent. Not like that heap of mediocrity we just saw.

   I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn't finish my sandwich.

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus; then I saw her helping him empty his sack.

   Bacon n Eggs walk into a bar, bartender says, Sorry, we dont serve breakfast here...

   When ever I think about the past,,, It brings back so many memories

   How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows. They never keep the house.

   Did you hear about the priest with a lisp? he tried logging on to Faithbook

   I'm glad the tsunami wasn't bad in Hawaii. Especially the island I am from...K'monIwannalayya

   ...Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines...

   Lifted the toilet lid to find poop in the bowl, either someone forgot to flush or this toilet is from 5 seconds in the future.

   If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

   did it all for the nookie

   Can you imagine how painful walking would be if we all had foot balls?

   [censored]

   My teeth are so white, they had slaves in the 1800s.

   Ahh Easter Sunday, when catholics actually go to church then pretend all year they are religious..

   "FOX NEWS- Rich People Paying Rich People To Tell Middle Class People To Blame Poor People. "

   I booked into a hotel last night. I said to the receptionist, I hope the porn channel is disabled? She said "NO" it's regular porn you sicko.