Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   Revenge so sweet it gave me a toothache

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   I do understand women, but I don't know how to explain them to you.

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

   I love scary movies. I've seen Ghostbusters at least 6 times.

   Should I go over and talk to her? Go over there dude. A pregnant woman should never drink alone.

   Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   Why didn't you tell me that I wasn't going to like you

   Next time you go on a road trip for 3 days, can you leave me a note? - Me to my cat.

   Why would anyone make babies when they can make nachos?

   part of a complete breakfast

   Science is for people who like to think about what's being told. Religion is for people who like to be told what to think.

   Heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive.

   Marilyn Manson had a Sex-Change Operation and people now call him Lady GaGa

   Nothing's more disappointing than getting a message, hoping it's from that girl you love, and it turns out to be from your wife instead.

   A Mslim stopped me in the street and asked me for my thoughts on Muhammad, Allah and the Qur'an. I said, "He's probably the greatest boxer who ever lived, and I don't give a f*ck what car he drove.