Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kentucky just knocked out 3 of last years Final Four teams back to back to back. Nothing funny about that!

   I had a nightmare last night where no dogs would let me pet them. It was awful...

   MILEY CYRUS tour officially over:-CNN. *Sighh* CNN thank you for putting it as a headline.

   After random power outages happened throughout the city due to maintanence, thousands of city residents lined up to pay overdue electricity bills....well played Houston....well played

   Getting married is easy, staying married is hard. Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.

   Sex so good, you call off the restraining order.

   F'n auto correct....I typed in "I like a dark ale", but it typed, "I like a dark @$$." Now every black woman on facebook is hitting me up.

   I think sometime over the weekend,, I turned the food pyramid upside down and served chips out of it

   During the week your FB wall rivals p0rn sites but on sunday it's suddenly transformed into a religious shrine.

   I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.

   Does anyone know how to change the difficulty setting on getting the sex?

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   I wish I can stay in my present bad mood until the end of America's presidential election; that way, I can decide who is the better candidate.

   Starbucks: Sometimes you wanna go where everybody misspells your name.

   Revenge so sweet it gave me a toothache

   Some of you ladies really need more practice hiding your crazy, at least until he marries you.

   Phones nowadays are so expensive, when you fall and hear a crack, you pray it’s your leg.

   I like my women like I like my golf scores. In the 80s with a slight handicap.

   I do understand women, but I don't know how to explain them to you.

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday