Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else see the Elephant in the room.. Or is it just me?

   Today's irony: listening to Skynard's "That smell" as I'm driving by Harris Beefs stockyard.

   the akward moment when you meet someone of the Internet N they look nothing like their pics

   Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.

   What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

   They should change the sound of the new chip card machines . Make me panic and think my purchase was denied. Put a ding on on it or some thing make me think I won something

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church. But not in prison.

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!

   I don't usually play these games, but I'm bored. Fill in the blanks. Banks account #: Routing #: Name on debit card: Pin number #: CCV #: Expiration date:

   Police came to my house to tell me my dog chased someone on a bike. My dog doesn't even have a bike.

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.

   How do you know if someone doesn't watch the Superbowl? Don't worry they'll announce it on Facebook!

   Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

   Apparently splicing teflon into the genetic genome of humans really works!!! Just ask Hillary!

   Pres. Barack Obama arrives in Dallas where he is expected to deliver a highly personal and emotional speech at a memorial service for the 5 slain police officers. Obama will also find out who shot J.R. Ewing too.

   "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" ---- Melania Trump

   Lester Holts hairline was the real loser of the debate.