Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a girl is in love, she offers sex. when a guy wants sex, he offers love.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   If the minimum wage is good enough for all Americans, then that's how much Congress should make as well.

   Best friends have Conversations impossible to understand by other people…

   No one's lazier than the guy who came up with the name for Juicy Juice.

   Money :::: humans are the only species that have to pay to live on earth..

   I'm back in the HR office today, apparently "Kill myself" was not an appropriate response when by boss asked me, "What would you do if you were me?"

   Don't be sad because someone gave up on you. Feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would never give up on them.

   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's really hard to pronounce...

   I thought Angry Birds was what I get from other drivers.

   Does not surprise me that those people abducted by aliens all get brought back.

   Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn't really Royalty.

   Come on, who are you going to believe? Me or the background check.

   My girlfriend told me that I'm starting to annoy her because I relate EVERYTHING to batman.....What a Joker....

   I don't always think I'm right....but whenever I think I'm wrong I tend to be mistaken.

   That dolphin tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 18, Now it looks like a used condom!

   Sometimes I read status updates on Facebook and wonder “How am I friends with them?”

   I wish I loved something as much as I hate almost everything.

   "And the rest is history." -Lazy history teacher