Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   has been sitting outside with a cooler all day and has not seen one Veloc-raptor....

   Thankfully, I don't suffer from homophobia. I do however, suffer from homophonia (irrational fear of words that sound the same but have different meanings).

   Where there is a google, there is an answer!

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   So... after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

   How do you expect me to respond when you say "oh", "lol" or "ya"?

   Does anyone else see the Elephant in the room.. Or is it just me?

   Today's irony: listening to Skynard's "That smell" as I'm driving by Harris Beefs stockyard.

   the akward moment when you meet someone of the Internet N they look nothing like their pics

   Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.

   What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

   They should change the sound of the new chip card machines . Make me panic and think my purchase was denied. Put a ding on on it or some thing make me think I won something

   I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.

   The media is terrible!!! They should have really help that beached whale (Christie) back into the water!! But no!! They just take pics and publish.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in church. But not in prison.

   What do women want? They don't know. When do they want it? Right now!!

   Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!