Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Most cocaine addicts don't even like cocaine, they just use it as an excuse to put dollar bills up their nose.

   If you pretend 7am is the new happy hour, getting up early isn't all that bad anymore.

   you are probably not as cool as you think, if you use the word "HELLA" trying to make a funny comment!

   I said.." I want a friend with benefits"..not "a friend on benefits"

   Mark your calendar - Valentines weekend, 2013. Die Hard 5: A Good Day to Die Hard.

   The brain is the most important organ you have...According to the brain.

   Any time there is large scale civil disorder, it makes one realize the extent to which society is based on consensus and trust.

   If in our righteous endeavors to protect and keep what we love and value, we attack and demoralize those whom peacefully choose a different path, do we become no less than the entity that we are standing against?

   I forget to renew my AVG anti-virus subscription and then next thing I know I've got a cold....well played, AVG, well played....

   He doesn't want to believe that someone as horrible as Gaddafi could have a comeback, but hell, the Smurfs did it. 

   Why do people at a busy bar never know what they want to drink when the bartender gets to them? I've known since yesterday.

   has been sitting outside with a cooler all day and has not seen one Veloc-raptor....

   Thankfully, I don't suffer from homophobia. I do however, suffer from homophonia (irrational fear of words that sound the same but have different meanings).

   Where there is a google, there is an answer!

   Shhhh girl. No need to say another word. You had me at "open bar."

   Well... this work isn't going to stare at itself...

   So... after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

   My wifes new nickname is Karma

   The shortest distance between two points is under construction.

   How do you expect me to respond when you say "oh", "lol" or "ya"?