Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its time for a "It was one of those kinda days at work today." beer.

   Facebook has allowed me to bring my "He's a distraction to the rest of the class" from grade school to a global scale.

   I think if a player wants more money because he "outplayed his contract", then pay him more if he hasn't been getting into trouble. But, put in a clause stating if he "under plays his contract" team able to reduce his pay accordingly. Injuries aside.

   I went to my proctologist and as I was bending over I heard him say "calm down Smith, calm down Smith" I looked back and told him "Doctor, my last name is Green, not Smith" and he said "I know, Smith is me"

   'u know what I'm sayin, you know what I'm sayin' -- No I dont know what the f**k your sayin !

   It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.

   whenever you drop clothes on the ground and don't feel like bending down to pick it up so you just kick it up and catch it in the air

   be yourself...everyone else is taken

   You know what they say about a man and his feet, That's why I don't find my fear of being raped by a clown irrational.

   Hosni Mubarak should have listened to me when I told him to get rid of that Justin Bieber song from his i-pod playlist

   What happens on Facebook stays on Facebook! (and then gets sold to the government for everyone to see).

   I decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information. ;)

   alcohol may cause more deaths than AIDS, TB, and violence... but doesn't it make up for it with pregnancies?i

   I'm going to be blunt and straight to the point here...people are stupid..

   couldn't get a girl even if he bathed in chocolate and wore clothes made of $1,000 bills

   I wouldn't wanna be around when one of the guys from ZZ Top eats an egg salad sandwich.

   Sometimes, I pretend my curling iron is a lightsaber.

   gas is costing me a arm an a leg, if it hit 5 dollars I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to walk.. .

   Well well well Mr. Sun, It's about time your lazy a$$ showed up for work!!

   I am the guy who breaks the link in chain letters without even giving a rat's a$$.