Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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BP Spewing More Lies Than Originally Estimated 
packing for beach vacation - cross the oil off the list
You can't talk to me that way. Seriously, turn towards me so I can hear what you're saying.
If you think about it, "This was the greatest day of my life" is a very pessimistic statement.
IEBER FEVER: Symptoms include elevated temperature, undergarment wetting and nine octave higher range while screeching. For those in proximity of sufferers symptoms include nausea, vomiting and desire to kick Justin Bieber in his empty sack gonads
Today is National Oatmeal Day, or as Charlie Sheen calls it, National Cocaine and Strippers Day.
not responsible for LMAO's that actually cause your ass to fall off. Or LOL's that cause you being arrested for laughing too loud. Or people that are "dying laughing." I am not responsible for funeral fees. With that being said, enjoy my wall.
I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve."
You think of it as an extra hour of sleep. I think of it was an extra hour of dreaming and keeping reality at bay.
what happens when you spill carpet cleaner?
Warning, Taking this medicine with alcohol may cause you to loose consciousness....Probably should have read that two hours ago
As God is my witness, I thought Turkeys could fly!!!!
US Military is experimenting with robots. Part of new program, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell, Don't Rise Up and Kill Us."
doesnt understand why some ppl are so sensitive to words...I guess there must be an essence of guilt behind those words,,,Get over it
....Wants to share his yuletide log with his "special" friends.....
First, God created idiots. That was just for practice. Then He created school boards.
When something begins to grow in your toilet resembling seaweed, it does not make you an "eco-friendly champion of the environment," but it's a nice spin on your lack of housekeeping.
Logged into my Orkut account after a long long time...Found 3 dead mice, a broken light bulb, shattered window pane and a few spider webs...
so happy we finally landed on the moon!!
thinking that the dude who invented the self cleaning oven was an underachiever. I am sure if he put his mind to it he could have came up with the self cleaning house. 