Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This is the best time to invest in the food stamps market.

   when comforting a grammar nazi I always say "there, they're, their"

   Government: Trickling Poverty up, so every one is Equal today......

   The new Paula Deen and Aaron Hernandez jokes are about 12 hours too late...

   I'll wear high heels so it's easier for you to hit it from behind.

   I'm spending Valentine's Day with my x.......... box 360.

   One of my buddies is a teacher in a primarily black neighbourhood. Yesterday he asked his young class what sound a pig makes? One kid says "Freeze, It's the police"! Kids say the darndest things!

   Got fired on my first day as a Male Masseuse.... Apparently, the instruction "Finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

   While "suck my d-ick" is an insult, "lick my p-ussy" sounds more like an invitation.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   Making my lunch for work sucks ass because I smoked a big joint before going in and I ate everything by 9am.

   I am struck by the ill. Bring me the Quils, both Day and Ny.

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners when I hand them my plastic cup of vodka.

   If they take the fighting out of hockey, that's it! I'm still not watching it..

   We all have that one friend with the hot sister everyone wants to get with.

   Holy Sh!t...Did Christina Aguilera get stung by a bee or something

   Got up to watch the sunrise this morning. Orange. Real original nature, thanks for wasting my time.

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly cuz you r a good person is like expecting a bull not to charge you because ur a vegetarian

   Whatever's wrong with me, it's a pleasure.

   I guess it did mean "Discount Double Check" after all