Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!

   to honor MLK's memory, how about a day OF work for everybody this year?

   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.

   do not interfere when 2 gay guys argue. You never know when it may come to blows...

   If you won the lottery, would you mail in the ticket? Or would you go in person? Why is that? (Remember this when you go vote.)

   Grammar is important. For instance, commas and Capital letters make a difference. such as in these examples: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa" or "I helped my Uncle Jack of a horse" vs "I helped my uncle jack of a horse".....

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   Bullying is absolutely disgusting. If you see it, stand up for the person being bullied. If it happens to you, don't be afraid to tell someone and ask for help. Keep the word going people.

   Like if you're on the East Coast!

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.

   I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.

   Just saw this on the back of a car: "My child is an honor student, but my president is a moron."

   Michael J. Fox etch-a-sketched the entire New York City skyline in 4 seconds.

   I have yet to see a woman who became more beautiful because she got a tattoo.

   "19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.

   there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated.... Breast, Implants

   Dear Football, I miss you already. Maybe we could get together sometime soon - just the two of us. Please don't keep me waiting until August. I love you

   Just figured out Blues Clues!!!!