Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.

   Michael J. Fox etch-a-sketched the entire New York City skyline in 4 seconds.

   I have yet to see a woman who became more beautiful because she got a tattoo.

   "19 Kids and Counting". The name of a show or the number of kids Josh has fondled? The Catholics would say he isn't even close to becoming a Priest yet.

   there are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated.... Breast, Implants

   Dear Football, I miss you already. Maybe we could get together sometime soon - just the two of us. Please don't keep me waiting until August. I love you

   Just figured out Blues Clues!!!!

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.

   In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!

   I was tilling the bathroom floors today and on my knees most of the day, now I feel like Kamala after a job interview.

   "You`re fat." "It runs in my family!" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

   Zimmerman's new lawyer has issued a statement stating that ''Mr.Zimmerman said that he is sorry for shooting and Killing Trayvon Martin and that it won't happen again''.

   Meagan Good box probably taste like Hawaiian bread, a fruit salad, the happiness of 10 freed slaves and tears from the Immaculate Mary

   BIDEN'S laugh is scaring me... and the inner boy within me keeps screaming "I need an adult."

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.