Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest the thing she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.

   not yet rated.

   Breaking New's !!! This Just In: Day 9 of the government shutdown and President Obama is having a hard time trying to figure out which golf course to play at next.

   wondering if everyone expecting it now finally realizes the only "change" is in their pocket.

   has just finished installing a flux compacitor in his DeLorean and is headed back to 1985

   Seismologists have determined that the earthquake in Washington,D.C. was not caused by a fault line, but by our Founding Fathers rolling over in their graves!!!!

   to honor MLK's memory, how about a day OF work for everybody this year?

   I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

   You know you're driving a new car when the items you pull from your nose go out the window and not on the floor mat.

   do not interfere when 2 gay guys argue. You never know when it may come to blows...

   If you won the lottery, would you mail in the ticket? Or would you go in person? Why is that? (Remember this when you go vote.)

   Grammar is important. For instance, commas and Capital letters make a difference. such as in these examples: "Let's eat grandpa." vs "Lets eat, grandpa" or "I helped my Uncle Jack of a horse" vs "I helped my uncle jack of a horse".....

   I like going to McDonald's and asking for an application. Then I crumble it up and yell "HA! Like I'd work here. Get me a chocolate shake."

   Sometimes, in a relationship, there comes a time you have to quit bullsh*tting and just shut up, swallow your pride, accept that you are wrong and apologize. It's not giving up, it's called growing up.

   Bullying is absolutely disgusting. If you see it, stand up for the person being bullied. If it happens to you, don't be afraid to tell someone and ask for help. Keep the word going people.

   Like if you're on the East Coast!

   The GOP is like your wise old Grandad who stands up, voices pearls of wisdom and genius, and then pees his pants.