Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognised me from vegetarian club.I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

   stuck in traffic. Send bacon.

   What's the difference between a bottle and puberty?? .........A bottle has already hit Justin Bieber!!

   I used to have a voice just like Justin Beiber, then I turned four.

   I always feel like I make a connection with a waitress whenever they take my order

   "I wasn't drunk!!" "Dude, you were in my pool trying to find Nemo" ·

   If the Dove is the bird of love, then the bird of birth control is the Swallow.

   The Texas Rangers are half way to becoming the Buffalo Bills of the MLB

   Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years

   Let them enter the country legally and they can enjoy all the freedom they want.

   Shout Out to the Kids in the Projects that left some Milk & Cookies out for Santa but the Roaches got to it first.

   Y'all want the slaves back??

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest the thing she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   He has risen!!! But only to use the bathroom, now I am going back to bed.

   Hi. I am the only Caucasian on the planet that doesn't care about Game of Thrones or how many Emmy nominations it has.

   not yet rated.

   Breaking New's !!! This Just In: Day 9 of the government shutdown and President Obama is having a hard time trying to figure out which golf course to play at next.

   wondering if everyone expecting it now finally realizes the only "change" is in their pocket.