Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mustaches are just wings for your nose

   "Remember to be rule a forward pass, the pass has to move forward." - Phil Simms

   Best thing to hear at work "yall just wait here for a while"

   You've been in a good mood three days in a row? Teach me this sorcery.

   Ever feel like whatever TV show you're binging at the moment becomes your baseline for reality?

   Fact: Historical pictures will look better with light sabers.

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   Valentines Day: Remember, there is no problem a few dollars & the strip club can't solve.

   A major shout out to hotel maids and maintenance people on February 15th.

   Friend, Best Friend, Boyfriend, Girlfriend, Garlic Bread -- Only garlic bread has no "END". Garlic Bread will always stay by your side.

   Brace yourself, the warm weather is bringing out white girls that tan too much and think they look good, but they really look like Oompa Loompas.

   You're so vain, you probably think this ritualistic cursed voodoo doll, I made in your likeness, is about you.

   Protip: Never mess with a man who leaves foam in a urinal.

   I'm writing a book about reverse psychology.. Please don't buy it!!

   Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.

   I need a career change, perhaps I should be a Pornographic Historian.

   Confucius say, "Woman who keep husband in dog house soon find him in cat house."

   Just for kicks I'd hire Two Private investigators just to have them follow each other around.

   They preemted 'The Price Is Right' with news about Prince dying. Great. Now I'll never know who won the Showcase Showdown...

   Not a good day for one name celebrities. Someone keep an eye on Bono, Madonna & Cher.